I am already gone....

Assalamualaikum…

hurmmm it has been a while right…dah bersawang dah blog ni…rasa macam nak biar je bersawang sampai tahun depan…tapi sebab ade orang tu kan kata tertunggu2 update dpd kite..makanye kita gagahkan jugak la tulis secoet dua kat sini…moga2 orang tu baca la kan…seriously, kite rindu sangat nak curhat dgn awak…sekarang kita berdua dah jauh…even sebenarnye selalu je jumpa tapi still rasa jauh dah…kita takde tempat nak menangis mengadu membebel macam dulu2…somehow deep inside my heart, I can sense emptiness overwhelmingly suffocating me…and sometimes this kind of feeling makes me wanna cry…but…I can’t…I gotta be strong from now on…

kalau nak diikutkan aku boleh je buat karangan 2000 patah perkataan to describe all those feelings I’m feeling and experiencing right now…boleh memang boleh..tapi masa tu takde…if only we can buy that precious time kan…huhu…

so…basically…aku baru je habis midsem exam…which is I had only 3 days to revise all the topics for the subjects…nasib baik 3 subjek je..kalau banyak mau tak 3 suku aku jadinye??

last week was like hell la I tell you…mana nak jumpa SV to discuss about proposal…and then first attachment at PPUKM which I thought I didn’t perform really well for that case…ahhh lantak…coz besok tu dah kena present pasal thesis proposal…gile kau..dengan slide tak siap lagi..memang malam tu aku stress tahap naga la…and that night was my very first time which I cried so so badly…after all this while I tried to keep all the hassle and stress deep inside my bone…but then I thought I couldn’t bare with them anymore…and I really need someone to talk to…to let go all these damn feelings…so, I called home…wishing that after I heard their voices : my mom and my dad…at least the tense will ease a little…but as soon as I heard their voices, my tears started to burst intensely automatically…and for a while I couldn’t even say a word…after regaining my calmness, I spoke to my dad..about this and that…and my dad really knows how to make me feels better…after hearing his words…his advices…I feel calmer and calmer…at the end of our conversation, he said

“besarkan sikit hati tu…cakap kat diri sendiri…aku boleh buat…kalau orang lain boleh kenapa aku tak boleh??”

eheh..lepas tu dah boleh gelak2 dah…pass phone kat mak pulak…sembang2 macam biasa…and gradually…I return to my steady state…rasa macam separuh beban dah terlepas…leganyeee…

so after bergayut almost half an hour, I proceeded with my slides…and at last…siap jugak..tu pun aku rasa aku hentam entah ape2 je…and then…baru aku sedar…aku tak practise nak cakap mcam mana for tomorrow’s presentation…ahh sudah…dah la aku ni jenis stage-fright…kang tergagap2 ke…exceed allocated time ke..dah kena deduct mark…pengsan~~

luckily…on that “critical” day, my turn was the last…so in the mean time, I tried to practise crazily…in the bus…while walking to the venue..dah macam orang gile dah aku rasa cakap sorang2…masa orang lain dok present, mulut dok terkumat kamit…macam baca jampi serapah…last2…after cut here and there…I managed to get within the allocated 7-minutes period…ahhh nanti bile cakap kat depan tak tau la boleh ke tak stay within that time…

after hatching so many butterflies in my stomach, finally my turn came…ohyeaahh…it’s show time!!hoho…alhamdulillah…my presentation didn’t exceed the allocated time…just nice when the first bell rang…I’m not sure whether I perfomed well or not…Q & A session pun macam entah hape2 aku merepek…haha…lawak pulak bile fikir2 balik…tapi lepas benda ni settle….perghhh…gile lega wa cakap sama lu….tapi takleh nak lega sangat la kan…sebab besoknye pulak ade quiz…and the best thing is notes tak pernah kusentuh walau seinci pun…terbaik…aku memang dah redha je dgn kuiz tu…muahahaha..

and then..midsem exam pulak…nak revise tu punye la susah…baru baca 1 slide mata dah layu-layuan…memang tak memberi kerjasama betul…maybe fizikal mental dan emosi penat sangat kot penangan benda2 tu sume…aku tau sume orang pun mesti rasa benda yg sama..maybe ade yg laaagii severe dpd kes aku ni…lumrah 3rd year kan…nak tak nak kena la hadap… @__@

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sebenarnye kan…hari ni (Khamis)…patutnye aku pegi beli tiket bas utk balik besok (Jumaat)…okey fine..at this moment dah masuk hari Jumaat pun kan..haha…tapi..again..another problem came…yahoooo~~~pasal thesis lagi…ohyeahh memang selagi benda ni tak settle, aku rasa hidup aku akan senantiasa dihantui dgn nightmares yg berpanjangan…

and now….baru aku paham..kenapa lecturer cakap senior2 sebelum2 ni sampai nangis2 sebab buat thesis ni…now I know coz now I’m experiencing that myself…Ya Allah…aku ni dah la fragile…problem sikit nak nangis…menyampah pulak dengan diri sendiri…huhu

tapi kan..all in all…nak salahkan orang lain pun takleh jugak sebenarnye…ape2 pun kita kena reflect ourselves back…aku tahu..aku tak la se-proaktif orang lain…aku memang lembab sikit dlm hal2 camni…tapi at least settle jugak la problem tu after aku n kawan2 yg senasib dgn aku terkejar sana sini…discuss dgn penuh emosi…tu pun aku rasa aku just make assumptions je…entah la…entah la…entah la…

so now tinggal 1 lagi problem…one of my plants for my extraction kena tukar sebab susah nak dapat..alahai Acorus calamus..kenapa kau buat kami begini??nak call SV macam tak proper pulak sebab dah after office hour…so kita tunggu la esok yeee…I hope this matter could be settled smoothly… **having my fingers crossed tightly**

orang lain dah start buat extraction woiii…risau betul aku…rasa macam nak sacrifice je cuti….tapi aku rasa macam tak boleh nak stay any longer kat sini….I need fresh air…to be specific…udara kampung…udara rumah dgn family members…furthermore…I think this’d be our very last moment to take a proper short rest…lepas ni..tiada lagi kata cuti dan rehat bagimu…weekend pun kena masuk lab…dari pagi sampai petang….tengok kawan2 yg dah start their lab works pun aku boleh rasa macam mana penatnye nanti…

so..better la kan…kalau aku recharge dulu bateri badan aku yg dah tahap red dah ni…tunggu masa je nak konggg..haha…before all those works start…soon…

Ya Allah..permudahkanlah segala urusan kami…berikan kesempatan dalam kesempitan..kemudahan dalam kesulitan…semoga research project kami ini akan berjalan dgn lancar dan siap dalam waktu yg ditetapkan…kuatkan dan tabahkan hati ini utk menghadapi segala dugaan n cabaran yg bakal mendatang sepanjang research ni nanti…I know…they will always come and come…positifkan diri ini dan jangan biarkan diri ini menyerah walau ape sekalipun masalah yg datang…dan semoga mereka2 yg terlibat secara langsung @ tak langsung sentiasa berlembut hati untuk membantu kami sepanjang berjalannye research ini nanti…Amin~~~

familiar enough with this phrase??yup…my happiness is already gone…already gone macam lagu Kelly Clarkson…kalau nak lebih feeling boleh la nyanyi lagu tu… :')

okey that’s it…panjang berjela dah aku membebel ni…dah la packing tak siap lagi ni….aiyooo…harap2 tiket bas ade lagi la besok yeee…aku tak sabar mahu PULANG!!!

(Rx : assigments yg dah siap2 beratur tu jangan pula diabaikan…aishhh…cuti pun macam tak cuti…uhuk3…)