Assalamualaikum.
I just got inspired to write a story. a story about my own friendship. true story cenggitu. it’s gonna be quite a long and boring story though. but bear with me. if you wish to read this till the very end.
I am a shy and quite person. idk how to socialise with people around me. apparently I was born with this trait. seingat aku la, aku memang agak susah untuk berkawan dengan orang. so, when I managed to make friend with someone, I ended up to be possessive. kalau boleh aku tak nak kongsi dia dengan sape2 pon. haha. lawak kan. idk if it’s only me or everyone has this kind of feeling towards their friends. and this possessiveness of mine was quite serious when I was in school back then. bile aku ingat2 balik, aku rasa memang aku ni childish and immature sangat. hahaha. ape taknye sampai tulis dalam diari kot. well, masa sekolah2 dulu aku memang rajin tulis diari. miahaha. bile aku baca balik ape yang aku tulis sumpah rasa nak gelak sebab obvious sangat yang aku ni kebudak-budakan. aku rasa diari zaman budak hingusan memang macam tu kot. LOL
bile dicongak-congak balik, aku rasa aku ni takde la ramai sangat kawan. precisely bestfriend bff. zaman sekolah rendah dulu aku ade sorang je kot bff. tapi entah la towards the end aku rasa our friendship macam dah makin tawar. memang aku tak nafikan la yg my possessiveness tu did contribute to this matter. sayang seribu kali sayang. :(
* * * *
moving on to sekolah menengah. yeah cerita ini masih panjang lagi ye kawan2. masa sekolah menengah, aku mempunyai bff baru. kalau sekolah rendah adalah zaman immature and childish, maka sekolah menengah adalah zaman remaja yang keliru dalam mencari identiti masing2. idk how to describe this. tapi aku rasa aku seolah-olah jadi bayang2 dia. sampai ade kengkawan panggil kami twins lagi. kalau boleh, aku nak ikut ape yang dia buat. sampai kan dia pakai spec bulat, aku pun pakai spec bulat. padahal sumpah nerd gile kot muke aku bile pakai spec tu. bile aku tengok balik gambar lama aku, aku rasa macam taknak mengaku yang itu adalah aku. hahaha. mungkin sebab aku terlalu depending on her most of the time. entah la. aku pun tak sure. tapi yang pasti, kami memang banyak persamaan lah. sama2 budak kaca mata. satu kelas. duduk sebelah2. sama2 pengawas. sama2 puteri islam. sama rumah sukan. kalau boleh sume benda nak sama dengan dia.
and then masa Form 4, kami terpisah. lain kelas. starting from then, slowly aku rasa our friendship takde la serapat macam dulu. tapi takde la renggang. just tak rapat je.
so, at that time, I struggled to find new friends. and I managed to upgrade my bff experience from only tagging with one person to more than one. I thought the more the merrier lah kan. but then I was wrong. ***sigh. aku pun tak paham. kenapa lah aku ni complicated sangat. seriously. one is lonely, two’s a company, three’s a crowd. aku tak tau kenapa my possessiveness, jealousy, immatureness and childishness came to light. again. haishhhh. I guess I really am not lucky in those thing called friendship. to summarise, I could say our friendship is quite complicated lah.
but thank goodness, our friendship takde la sampai hilang macam tu je. sampai sekarang kami still keep in touch lagi even takde la frequent sangat.
cuma tu la. kadang2 tu aku jeles jugak bile tengok budak2 lain yg ade “geng” still rapat sampai sekarang. I wonder how did their friendship last for so long. maybe dorang takde sifat possessive macam aku kot. haha.
* * * *
next, moving on to matriculation years. zaman aku belajar menjadi seorang yg independent. yeahh. even it was just a one-year experience, it meant so much to me. my very first bff here were my roommates. they were too good for me. tapi macam biasalah, sebab perangai aku yang pelik and complicated ni lah, aku rasa our friendship kadang2 rasa macam dipukul ombak. haha. memang aku mengaku, aku ni memang unpredictable. kadang2 angin monsun. kadang2 musim dingin. kadang2 musim bunga. hahaha. tapi ape yg boleh aku cakap, they accept me just the way I am. no matter how weird I was back then, they’re always there by my side.
dalam praktikum pulak, aku berjaya membentuk sebuah gang. bunyi macam ketua gang gengster la pulak kan. kali ni jumlahnya banyak sikit lah. 5 orang including myself. aku pun tak tau jugak camne boleh terbentuknye grup ni. sedar2 je kami berlima dah rapat. kalau buat ape2 group task, memang selalunye aku buat dengan group ni lah. kalau nak diikutkan, perangai aku dgn dorang memang macam langit dengan bumi. aku ni dah la pemalu, pasif, senyap, pelik etc etc. but most of them are quite lively and peramah dgn sume orang. aku ingat lagi lah. sume budak prak aku dah cop aku sebagai seorang yang pendiam tahap naga. maybe ade yang anggap aku ni anti-social. haha. apepun I’m grateful to have them as my bff. kalau tak, memang aku ni sorang2 je la jadi kera sumbang dalam prak tu. aishhh rindu pulak kat dorang sume. nasib ade group wassap sebagai penghubung even masing2 pun sibuk sekarang ni kan.
cuma tu la kan. aku agak terkilan sebab sekarang ni susah betul nak contact roommates aku yg dulu tu. entah la. maybe dorang sume busy kot. I hope one day, kami semua dapat la buat reunion ke ape.
* * * *
last but not least. mari melangkah ke alam universiti. **phewww kesat peluh.. masa ni, aku berazam yg aku akan cari seberapa banyak kawan yg boleh. aku taknak la jadi lone ranger sepanjang 4 tahun aku kat uni nanti. so aku decide untuk kikis semua perangai pelik aku tuh. we can always live without a lover, but we can never live without a friend. ecewah falsampah giteww. bagi aku lah. orang lain tak tau la. hahahaha
masa orientasi tu, aku memang struggle gile nak cari kawan baru. and I’m glad to make new friends with my LDK’s groupmates. entah kenapa aku rasa time orientasi tu sangat menyeronokkan despite of all the ridiculous activities. hahaha. biasa la orientasi kan.
bila orientasi habis, kami pun dipisahkan ikut course masing2. okey. once again, I need to make new friends. aku tak tau kenapa macam susah sikit nak cari kawan baru time tu. aku tebalkan muka untuk menempel dengan sape2 je masa tu. hahaha. kesian betul aku ni kan. but eventually, as the time goes by, I managed to secure a friend. miahahaha. bunyi macam ape je kan. I was so glad to have her as my bff. aku rasa macam dah jumpe soulmate je. macam she’s the one. satu kepala. I thought. oh yeah. finally, I have a bff again. but then. kusangkakan panas sampai ke petang, rupenye hujan pulak di tengah hari. dia terpakse quit pharmacy coz she got the offer to pursue in medic kat seberang sana. lalu tinggal la aku terkapai-kapai sendiri di sini. huhuhu
but I guess my loneliness wasnt that long. eventually I get closer to my own roommate who happened to have the same name with me. hehe. sebelum ni aku tak la berapa rapat dengan roommate aku tuh. sebab aku ingat aku takleh ngam dengan dia. tapi rupenye dia pun lebih kurang same je macam aku. hahaha
lama2 kami pun jadi la bff. aku rasa dia bff aku la. tak tau la bagi dia camne kan. most of the time aku rasa macam aku sendiri je yg declare yg that someone is my bff. I’m not really sure about what they think of me though. memang sesuka hati je aku ni. hahaha.
sepanjang 4 tahun aku kat uni ni, my friendship experiences came out in various forms. ade yang complicated. ade yang unexplainable. ade yang weird. macam2 la. since start aku jejak kaki kat uni aku dah buat polisi baru which is say no to possessiveness, I’ve become a more open-minded person. I tried not to ‘own’ my friends. let they make friends with others too. Friend is not an item. Not a possession. cuma pinjaman je kan. so I think that way.
sometimes I admit rasa jeles or yg sewaktu dengannye tu ade la jugak muncul. tapi takde la severe sangat macam zaman sekolah dulu. I can control it better now. hehe.
tapi tu la. langit tak selalunye cerah. friendship isn’t always bloomed with flowers, sometimes thunderstorms came too. without warning. aku perasan. there’s always someone who seems ended up being awkward with me. I do admit. some of them happened due to myself. maybe my words or my actions kind of hurting their feelings. idk precisely how. before I realise it, we have grew far apart. we are no longer like how we used to be.
I know. most of the time I am a selfish, ignorance and ungrateful human being. I wanna seek apologise from any of you whom ever feel offended or hurt by me whether by my actions or my words. sometimes it just happened that way. idk how the hell did it happen. before I knew it, I’ve hurt your hearts. your feelings. you know, I’m not so good in talking. face to face. this is the only way I could do to show how I really feel. from my deepest heart, I’m sorry, dear friends. **you know who you are**
true friends are not those who always stay by your side, but they are those who are always there when you need them the most. having a friend doesnt mean that he or she must stay with you 24/7. they have their own lives though.
to any of you who happened to read this, I wanna say thank you from the deepest of my heart for having me as your friend. for accepting me as part of your friendship story. I know I’m probably not even worth to be in your friend lists but just so you know I’m thankful enough to have each of you in my life. and plus sorry for being a weirdo. haha. whatever happens, all of you will always be my friends. ^^
~~I wonder if I ever be a good friend to any of you~~
AM I ?
(**mind my grammar please.haha)
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